My cousin Keith

Last week I attended the funeral of my cousin Keith Norman Marston.

It was an interesting experience. I wasn't quite sure how to feel. I always liked him and thought he was a pretty cool cat. He reminded me a lot of Grandpa Marston, who is someone that I greatly admired and have nothing but respect for. In fact, the last clear memory I have of Keith was at Grandpa's funeral. Keith was there and obviously saddened by the occaision, but I had the chance to talk to him for a few minutes and he told me some really cool stories about he and Grandpa.

Keith and I were never what I'd call 'close.' Being 7 years older than me, he was pretty much grown up by the time I grew out of the 'annoying twerp' phase (if I really did), but he was always nice and never made me feel like I was as awkward as I now know I was. I really wish I could have known him better. They say that still waters run deep, and the little bit I got to know of him was calm and hinted at someone that I think I could have really gotten along with now (I like to think that I'm fairly introspective and thoughtful, these days).

Uncle Norm (Keith's dad) died when I was two years old (and Keith was 9) and I always felt like there was a part of my life left empty. Uncle Norm's place. We could talk about him, but I never really knew him. Now I feel like there's another empty part in my life. Cousin Keith, who I would really have like to have known better, but now will not have the chance. It's like I've missed an opportunity that I won't have back in this life.

So, attending the funeral I genuinely felt a loss. It's true that I didn't really know Keith all that well, but I still felt like I lost something. I guess I could have called, or written, or something...but who was I to him? I look back at my childhood and am embarrassed by much of the kid I was. All that Keith really knew of me was what I was before he moved away from home. Would I have been linked to that former McKay in his mind? Dad talked about how he felt it was important for Keith to know how much he meant to us, but I didn't think that hearing from me would make a difference.

I guess I'll never know now.

I wasn't quite sure how to feel, because I didn't feel like I was allowed to be sad about someone I didn't know that well, but I think it's the fact that I didn't know him that well that makes me sad.

If there's anything good about what I happened, I hope it's that I'm more motivated to communicate with those that I miss and want to get to know better.